Hurt
by amrice101
Summary: "Sometimes I feel broke inside, but I won't admit. Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss. And its so hard to say goodbye...when it comes to this." Kendall never knew what he had until it was gone forever.


**Hiya! This is another song-fic Kames one-shot. I don't know why, but I loooooove writing them :D Anyway, the song for this is 'Hurt' by Christina Aguilera. You should go listen to the song, it's freaking amazing!**

**Warnings: This is kinda sad...like really. So if you don't wanna be in a upset or in a sad mood...maybe you shouldn't read this. I started crying when I wrote this. **

**Disclaimer!; I own nothing but this plot, nothing...else...at all :P Just to tell you, this is like 5 years after BTR broke up, the reason being they just wanted to do different things. Lets say the band broke up when they were 17 about to turn 18. That makes them...23? Lets also say the year is 2016 as well. **

**~Kendall's Pov~ **

January 3rd. The day I dreaded every single time it came around these past three years. All I could do on those days was cry, guilt, heartbreak and loneliness eating me alive, while I let my eyes become bloodshot and bitter tears fall off my cheeks. Why? I had everything I wanted, almost; I had my dream career as center on the Minnesota Wilds, and I had my family and friends to support me through it all. The only thing I was missing was the love of my life...but I made the biggest mistake anyone could do and let him slip through my fingers. If only I had manned up and just come to terms with my feelings. But nope, it took the suicide of my best friend, James Diamond, to finally make me open my eyes to the truth. Unlike the last times this date passed by, I decided that I needed to apologize to him in person or as close as I could get to that. I took a deep breath, as I grabbed my winter jacket, put it on, and made my way out of my apartment complex, trying to mentally prepare myself for what was ahead. Having to see James' gravestone...for the first time.

_Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face,_

_you told me how proud you were, but I walked away. _

_If only I knew what I know today. _

As I drove through the quiet Minnesota streets, snow making my surroundings turn to white, I thought back to last time I saw James. He had shown up at my first professional game with the Wilds, a year after the band ended. James had just made a quick visit to town, him being busy in LA with his upcoming album. I didn't want to see him there though. James had confessed to being in love with me a couple months before, when Logan, Carlos, James & I met up for a little friends reunion, since we all went to follow our own separate dreams. I was completely terrified at the moment he told me, but pretended to be angry. I told him I never wanted to see him again, even though I knew that was a complete lie. I was just too stubborn and scared to accept my love for him. After all my screaming and yelling at him, he still showed up. Carlos and Logan did too, but a quick grin came to my face when I saw the familiar perfectly sculpted chestnut hair, flawless tan skin, and unmistakeable hazel eyes. I hastily made the grin into a evil sneer, not trying to show any compassion for him.

When the game was over, Wilds winning 4-1, I was greeted by Carlos and Logan, both pulling me in for a big hug and congratulating me on a job well done. I said thanks back and was all smiles, until they left and I was face to face with James.

"That was a great game Kendall! The guys and I are so proud of you!" He came close to me to pull me into a hug, but I just backed away, my bottle green eyes glaring right at him.

"Don't you dare fucking touch me! I don't know why you even bothered to show up. Why don't you just go run back to LA you fucking queer! I told you, I _never _wanted to see you again!" Pure hate and venom was dripping from my words, my voice an menacing low, even though he did nothing wrong. With no more words spoken, I turned from him and made my way to the locker rooms, my last imagine of James being of him having a hurt and heartbroken expression on his face; bottom lip quivering, hazel eyes starting to become red and foggy with tears threatening to fall out, and his stance looking as broken and shattered as his heart probably was. And all I did was walk away. Just shortly after our encounter, James went back to the small hotel room he had rented, went to the roof of the building...and jumped.

Every time I think back to the last time I saw him, the all too familiar guilt and remorse takes over my body, making me shake and cry violently. I had to control myself though, due to the fact I was driving through a dangerous blizzard. None of that really mattered though. All that did, was that I got to the cemetery and made peace with James, even though I knew he could never forgive, hell...I know I wouldn't.

_I would hold you in my arms, _

_I would take the pain away._

_Thank you for all you've done,_

_forgive all your mistakes._

After what seemed like miles of driving, I parked right next to the the cemetery where I knew James was buried. I shut off my car and shoved the keys into my pockets, getting out of my car and being greeted by the harsh winter air. It was still snowing, but it was light now, nothing compared to what it was just 5 minutes ago.

I trudged my way through the white blanket that laid on the ground, covering the gravestones and the dead grass. I didn't need to look for his because I knew what surrounded it, due to me standing with my back to it during his actual burial, never bring myself too look at it, only what was around it, in case I ever wanted to visit. I had stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a familiar cross-looking statue, remembering it was only a few feet away from his burial spot. I closed my eyes and let tears openly fall down my frost-bitten cheeks. I walked slowly to the lone, rectangular gravestone. I couldn't see the name, the stone being covered with snow. As I brought my hand to wipe the snow off the rock, I wiped a few tears off my cheeks, took fast, deep breaths and bent down a little. Finally, I swiped my hand across the white blanket, revealing the gravestone that I knew I could never be prepared to see.

_Rest In Paradise _

_James David Diamond_

_July 16th 1993 - January 3rd 2012 _

_Loved by everyone he met, with the voice of an angel _

_and a heart to match. _

I just stared at the words, still in complete disbelief that they were right in front of me. Out of nowhere, my knees gave out, making me fall right on to them, sobs now shaking my body hard. I could almost feel my heart shattering, just like the rest of me was. _**Why...why did I do that to him! If I hadn't been so goddamn stupid...he would probably be happy, healthy...and with me. **_I scooted myself closer to the his tombstone, wrapping my arms around it and letting the tears fall into the snow. As I cried, I started to sing a song that really expressed all the emotions I was feeling, better than any words I could say.

_"O-oh, there's n-n-othing I wouldn't d-do, to hear your v-voice again! Sometimes I w-w-wanna call you, b-but I know you won't be there!" _Even though my sobs shaken up my words and snow piled on the top of my head (making me even colder and my teeth to chatter), I was determined to sing this song to him.

_"Oh~, I'm s-sorry for, blaming y-y-you, for everything I-I just couldn't d-d-do. And I've hurt m-myself, by h-hurting you." _Before I started the to sing the next chorus, I took in a breath of cold air and let the words sink in, knowing the ones I sang and the next, were all too true.

_"Sometimes I feel broke i-inside, but I won't admit. Sometimes I just w-wanna hide cause it's you I miss. And its so hard to say goodbye...w-when it comes to this, oh, whoa, yeah~"_ I was trying to sing as best as I could, knowing that he only deserved the best. To hopefully not stutter in the rest of the song, I attempted at leveling out my breathing, getting it at an almost steady pace before I started to sing once again, my arms still tightly wrapped around his gravestone, clinging on to it like my life depended on it.

_"Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me, are you proud of who I am?" _

_"There's nothing I wouldn't do, to have just one more chance. To look into your eyes~ And see you looking back! Whoa, I'm sorry for blaming you, for everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself, oh~" _

_"If I had just one more day! I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away~ Oh, its dangerous, it's so out of line, to try and turn back time~" _

_"I'm sorry for blaming you, for everything, I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself. . .by hurting you..." _When I finished singing the song, I just let more tears of angst leave my jade eyes, the horrible realization that _I _was the one who killed James. _I_ had caused him to go into a depression so deep, so painful, that death was waiting for him with open, welcoming arms. . .like I should have been.

_I _destroyed what could have been the best thing to ever happen to me.

All because I was too damn stubborn to admit that I was in love.

I fucking deserved this though. Every last bit of it. The shame, guilt, sorrow, remorse, regret, heartbreak. . .the list could go on forever. All of it I deserved. I killed one of the most beautiful people on the planet, all because they wanted me to reciprocate the love they had for me. I punished him with harsh empty threats and ignorance, when all James wanted was sweet, innocent love.

I also deserved never to be able to hold him in my arms, kiss him with all the love I had or to have the privilege to tell him I loved him everyday.

_I_ should be the one buried six feet under. . .not the amazing, passionate, and loving James Diamond I had destroyed and love.

If I only I could go back in time and fix my mistakes. Even then, James deserved some one _**much**_ better than me. But if I was what made him happy, I wouldn't even second guess giving him my all, even if I didn't think it was enough.

All I can do now, it let my actions take their toll on me. I had brought this to myself. By hurting and ultimately killing James, I was slowly doing the same to myself, to my mind and my heart.

**Wow. . .why do I love to write a melancholy Kendall? Like seriously, first Secret Love, now this! WTF? Anyway, sis you like? Could have it been better? I'll never know unless you review! So please, **_**pleaseeee **_**review! **

**~Angel **


End file.
